Climbing Solheimajokull Glacier in Iceland

A Rough Start to the Morning.

If you’re thinking of climbing Solheimajokull Glacier, or any of the other glaciers in Iceland, you should first carefully consider if you are a morning person.

My husband and I had to wake up entirely too early for this experience. As I looked out at the unforgiving black, freezing atmosphere from our window I decided at the eleventh hour that I would have traded anything to be able to spend the morning lounging in our warm bed.  Beyond that, it quickly dawned on me that I was the least athletic person that I knew personally, and had no business hiking a glacier of all things. 

We layered up, ate Skyr (a Viking age type yogurt) for breakfast, and walked half a mile to the spot where the tour guide would be picking us up in a van. After waiting for twenty minutes, and watching the sky brighten slowly, we realized we must have been at the wrong place. To make a bad situation worse, we had no internet service. My husband and I, groggy and already freezing traded passive aggressive comments about how this mix up could possibly have happened. (We both blamed each other, secretly.)

We had to run up and down the streets finding an open venue with wi-fi to get in touch with our driver several times. Thankfully, Joe and the Juice happened to be open and allowed us to use their phone. We would have to return three times to call our driver before finally, we made contact and walked to the correct pick up spot miles away. By the time we were in the car, both of us were already sweating, more tired, and very, very frustrated.

We climbed in a van full of guests, who were definitely already sick of our shit having spent their morning looking for us on the streets of Reykjavik. We hit the open road.

I was not excited to be climbing Solheimajokull glacier in any way, shape, or form. I embarked on the adventure because my exceedingly patient husband wanted only to pick one excursion, and this was the one his heart was set on. He never gets to choose anything that we do because I’m annoyingly gung-ho about planning. I wanted him to create a memory that was meaningful to him. I wasn’t opposed to the hike because I think I’m too good for the hike. In fact, it’s the opposite. I have a severe phobia of trying new sports and physical activities. 

I especially have anxiety about trying new things in groups where everyone can judge me and see how much I suck. When I do exercise, I enjoy solo workouts such as running, yoga, and barre. However, I’m not at all what you would consider “athletic.”

My nerves were getting to me. I just knew that I was going to be terrible at the hike and everyone would wonder why I even came. My palms were sweating and my heart raced. I couldn’t get comfortable because I felt like a bird was thrashing its wings around in my chest. 

The Notorious I-C-E.

Solheimajokull is located in southern Iceland and took a number of hours to get to considering the treacherously snowy and icy conditions on the road. We had three guides in our van, and I remember being intimidated by how cool they all seemed. The trio treated glacier hiking with all the nonchalance of grabbing a cup of coffee. They were young, energetic, and confident. Our lead guide eventually told us that his name was “Biggie.”

Biggie!? I had never heard of such a name…except for one legend in our neck of the woods (Brooklyn).

He must have anticipated the confusion and explained, “you both are from the east coast of USA, that is where your Biggie — Mr. Smalls is from. Well, I too go by the name Biggie, and I am also from the east coast…of Iceland.” He still looms so fucking large in my imagination for this epic quote.

After the east coast vs east coast discussion, our guides described the procedure for the hike. I understood little to none of what was said – the terms were so foreign to me. Clip the what? Snap the what to my what?  I felt my stomach tighten into knots. Every directive given sounded intense. Oh man, I was not confident enough for this climb, and really wished I could have backed out. We might as well have been jumping out of a helicopter — that’s how badly my nerves unraveled.

The guides talked cheerfully and made jokes about glacier hiking because they had been doing this apparently since they were born, being Icelandic and all. 

I truly felt inadequate before we even started. That’s the weird thing about anxiety, it puts all sorts of skewed thoughts into your head. Everyone on the tour was new to glacier hiking, yet, I had convinced myself entirely that I was without a doubt the worst one. 

Suiting Up.

I was really proud of the boots I had packed in advance for our glacier hike, as they looked [in my mind] like something a real hiker would wear and were like….super cute. However, Biggie crushed my dreams and my style. So much for not letting them hold you down and reaching for the stars, Biggie. He told me, in a ridiculously nice way, that my boots were actually too soft and that I needed to rent a pair of sturdier boots. I felt like an idiot (are we seeing a theme?) I was the only one in our group who brought SOFT boots and needed to rent a pair. But, I eventually moved past the shame and was suited up for my helmet and gear. 

Before arriving at the base of the glacier, we walked through a valley of black dirt and sparse green earth. Being a big fan of The Great Gatsby, I recalled Fitzgerald’s description of a placed called, “The Valley of Ashes.” Our view looked a lot like that. The walk through the valley was fairly easy and I thought, stupidly, that the entire hike on the glacier would be this much of a breeze.

No, really. Look at me leading the pack in this photo below. I REALLY thought I was a hiking master because I could cruise across flat land. 

Walking through the valley of ashes gave me a little while to collect my thoughts and nerve before embarking on the greatest test of my (non) athletic prowess. This stroll was also an opportunity to soak in the amazing nature around us!

I was surprised to see that there were actual steps carved out of the ice to help us ascend the glacier. I had only given a little thought to how one scales a glacier. In my mind we were climbing up the side, digging our feet and claws into the ice, falling off with each big gust of wind one by one, until we all died. Apparently, that’s not what happens. 

We had to hold onto ropes as we were told several times that it was very, very slippery on the stairs. I made peace with the fact that I would probably bust my ass and, like a heavy bowling ball to bowling pins, would take everyone out behind me with my very large body. I was just glad that we were starting off with something I had done before, climbing steps. 

The female guide had dropped off to lead another group of hikers. We were left with Biggie and the other guide, who had all the warm fuzziness of a violent repeat offender. I’ll call him Jail Time because that seems like a place he would thrive. We passed an attractive, young, female guide and her group who were coming down the glacier as we went up. Jail Time announced through gritted teeth and ferocity to our group that it was her birthday and we all must sing her the HBD song. I know for certain that the members of our group thought this request was weird, and even patronizing. However, we were so afraid he would toss us off a cliff if we didn’t help him get into bed with this woman. So, we sang like a bunch of awkward middle schoolers directed by an ex-con choral director. 

After forced singing and icy stairs, we reached the top of the glacier. The view from the top could easily have been a National Geographic shot. I was totally stunned into silence. The sweeping landscapes left me feeling so frail, so tiny, and so humbled. We were ants compared to the size of the glacier and natural formations around us. 

We would next have to attach our crampons to our boots. I’m only adding this detail here because crampon is the best word in the entire lexicon. A crampon is an attachment that clips to boots and has spikes which stab into the ice and snow. Luckily, Jail Time chose me as a volunteer to demonstrate the process of adhering crampons. He literally pointed a rigid finger at me and said, “YOU. VOLUNTEER.”

I felt relief that I didn’t have to figure out for myself how to attach the crampons; it looked difficult. As fearless as Icelanders may be, our guides took safety very seriously. A few people in our group made the mistake of talking over Jail Time’s crampon lesson. He scolded them like, REALLY intensely, and told them if they “don’t know what the hell they are doing, then they should shut their mouths.”

In the beginning, walking around for most of the experience was only mildly difficult, and at some points – not difficult at all. However, the longer that we walked the more difficult the hike began to feel. At one point, most of us could not even lift our feet out of the snow and were gasping and panting – as if we had run for miles. Everywhere we looked was barren except for snow. I felt as though we were transported to an entirely different planet and had been hiking for days.  

One of the coolest parts about the tour was that it allowed for the opportunity to go ice climbing. This involves using only pick axes and a harness system to scale up a giant wall made of ice within the glacier. Our guides set up the system and gave a demonstration which I think left most people intimidated. The idea behind climbing was conceptually easy, but physically — was not easy or for the faint of heart. Essentially it goes like this: You dig your pick axes into the ice until they’re wedged into the ice wall. Then, you make holes with the tips of your boots by kicking into the ice repeatedly. You step into those holes with your body crouched, straighten your body out to a standing position with boots lodged in the holes, then begin again. 

I was shaking purely from nerves –  I mean I really thought I would faint. There was no way I wanted to do this. I didn’t mind watching other people go. The first two people to go took a very long time to get all the way up. A young woman and her husband began talking shit about how slow the two were going, and I instantly became enraged that I would have to go soon and be subjected to their criticism.

Hiking the giant glacier wasn’t enough? Now, I had to scale an ice wall with pick axes?! Do I look like Yukon Cornelius? I was pissed!

I’ll bet you think this is a tale about overcoming my fears and rising to the challenge. Well, it’s not. Fuck that shit.

 

I didn’t want to do it, and so I didn’t. As soon as one person said, “I’m going to opt out” and I realized that not even trying was an option, I tagged out! My body was already exhausted from the hike, and my nerves were fried from anticipation. So, there. However, Arthur did the scaling (perfectly I might add) and I enjoyed watching him have a good time.

The final steps back into the valley of ashes brought on an entire parade of emotions. First, I felt grateful, so grateful to have experienced such beauty. This beauty will probably cease to exist with global warming, and to have had the chance to see it, to hike up a freaking glacier, how could I feel anything other than gratitude? 

Despite it all, I felt so proud of myself. To have had such very low confidence in the beginning of this journey and to walk away feeling like a total bad-ass made me feel so much stronger. As soon as I stepped off of the mountain, I walked with a straighter posture and walked with my head held up instead of looking down at the ground. 

I looked people in the eye and chimed into conversations with our guides confidently. Having faced such an enormous fear and obstacle gave me an ability to look at all challenges and uncertainty in a different light almost immediately after the hike. After this trip, I’m always able to look back on this moment when I’m nervous and say, “Bitch, don’t you remember? You climbed a glacier. You climbed Solheimajokull in Iceland!” 

Last, let’s address the elephant in the arctic. Iceland is definitely over touristed. I cannot imagine the huge price that this is taking on their natural landscape. To have been able to see such a natural treasure of the country, in spite of the obvious negative human impact, was such an honor. I’m entirely grateful to have been able to experience such a unique aspect of Icelandic culture.

An After Climb Treat.

After the climb, we hurried over to the snack stand where we purchased hot chocolate WITH BAILEY’S! What a treat! I’ll never forget how amazing that warm cup of sweetness and liquor was to my bones. On the drive back, Biggie and Jail Time declared that they had one final surprise for us. We would be getting the opportunity to check out the iconic Skogafoss waterfall! This was the most confidently I think I have ever posed for photographs in my life. After having climbed Solheimajokull, why would something like an impromptu photo shoot scare me?!